Autograph Advice

By
Thomasnovels

Come on. Admit it. You cannot wait for someone to ask you for your autograph. Your heart twitters (no, not tweets) at the thought. And trust me you’re right. It’s even better than your first-time at sex. When first-time sex happens, you’re all scared and tense and sometimes it’s even unexpected. (What, this person really wants to see me naked?) But you have fantasized over and over about signing your first autograph and I’m betting you’ve even added flashes from the paparazzi in the background. (Reality check – writer not film star.)

My funniest autograph request came when a mother trailing two pre-teen girls approached me at a book signing. I wondered if mom was buying a racy romance for herself or if she was going to buy a book for one of the girls, I would have to confess my novels need a warning label (ah … you know there’s sex in there, right?). She said they didn’t want to buy a book but the giggling girls had never met anyone famous and wanted my autograph. I have to admit it took me three heartbeats to realize they were talking about me. I signed the back of a promotional bookmark for them.

This is going too sound simplistic, but test out your pens. You don’t want the ink seeping through onto the next page and take several incase one of them gives up the ghost on you. I also set out a stack of business cards and bookmarks printed with my booklist and website information on the table. When they buy a book, they get a bookmark or if they hem and haw, you have something to handout to remind them to check out the website.

The worst book signing I ever had was in a nationally known bookstore who scheduled me up front and the local save-a-kitten organization in the back. I spent the day directing frazzled moms with tots to the kittens and the bathrooms. I couldn’t even talk the moms into buying a book because apparently the mystery was gone from their lives and they equated romantic sex with the results … the tots. My daughter offered to go next door to the pet store and get some mice to release (proud mommy I was that she thought of that creative solution) but I declined. While it would have made a great scene in a story, I did want to be invited back to the store next year.

Let me introduce my daughter. She’s great to have along at book signings. You might want to consider having someone with you. If you have to visit the kittens … ah, bathroom, you don’t have to gather up all your stuff when there’s someone with you to watch it. Plus, you’ll have someone to talk you down during the is-anyone-ever-going-to-ask-me-to-sign-a-book-why-did-I-ever-think-I-could-be-a-wrtier dry spells. When I get busy (thank goodness) my daughter takes pictures of me for the website and promotional articles. She also keeps me supplied with iced coffee. I’m not sure if she wants me hydrated, hyped up or running to the restroom.

And thinking of promotional articles, the strangest autograph I ever signed was in the Salvation Army where I was shopping for wall decorations for my new apartment (ah … writers pay, remember). This woman approached me and asked, “Excuse me, aren’t you that person who was written up in the paper?” Now, I live in a medium size city with only one newspaper and when someone says you’ve been written about in the paper, it usually involves an arrest record. And this hadn’t even been the daily paper but the weekly artsy supplement. Amazed and proud at being recognized, I replied, “Why yes, I am.” “You write books or something, right?” Or something. “Ah … right.” I looked around at the stacks of used paperbacks written by authors who are more famous and richer than I’ll ever be and wondered if they had ever had found themselves in these situations. “Here. Sign this. My mom reads and maybe she’s heard of you.” I signed the back of her shopping list.

This is where I find myself with a different problem. I write under five pen names. When signing autographs, I not only have to remember where I am but who I am. When I’m at an established book signing to promote a new book coming out, it’s easy to remember one name. But my fingers have to be constantly reminded not to automatically write my real name. I can also look like an idiot when it comes to introductions. “Hi, I’m the author here to do the book signing and my name is … ah … ah.” I keep a copy of the book near so I can refer to it to find out who I am that day and hope no one yells at me from across the store. I never run into this problem with my eBooks. eBooks are really hard to autograph.

The best autograph request I ever received came from my daughter when my first book was published. And she deserved the first signed copy. She is the one who had to live with me through weird writing hours, burnt food I forgot I was cooking, rejection emails (they’re not just slips anymore), emergency ink shortages, whining about career choices and the imaginary people who lived with us. She has been my support person through it all and the minute she moved out, I sold my first book. (I’m sure there’s no correlation.) I’m just hoping one of these days she might actually read it.

Except for family, friends and lovers, I sign every autograph with ‘best wishes’. Life starts with our wishes. “I wish I had love in my life.” “I wish I had a cheeseburger.” “I wish I had more money in the bank.” “I wish I could write a New York Times Bestsellers List novel.” Just like stories begin with ‘what if’, live begins with ‘I wish’.

Best Wishes,

Grace Thomas
Teresa Thomas
Mozella Thomas
Paige Endover
Tinker Thomas