Intrepid Interviewers

 New and inexperienced writers should not speak in public or give live interviews. No matter how much you practice or anticipate, reporters and interviewers will always catch you off guard and writers like to revise, edit and embellish too much to give a good answer on the first try. If it takes me two months of correcting to get one sentence to come out right, guess how much of an idiot I’m going to sound answering questions right off the top of my head with no time for revising.




Example


Interviewer: “Where did you grow up?”

Writer: “My family is from the Allegany Mountains but because there was no work other than farming and they couldn’t make a legal living scratching in the rocky soil and moon shining, ginsenging (sanging is not what hill people do in church on Sundays), growing pot in the corn and poaching are illegal, they moved to the Shenandoah Valley where industry gobbles up healthy humans to manufacture products no one needs so they move from plant to plant to follow the jobs until the factories spit them back out when they’re old and can no longer work to retire on a farm where they don’t have the energy to do the farm chores.”

Interviewer: “So you were raised in the valley.”

Writer: “Yep.”

Interviewer: “Did you always want to be a writer?”

Writer: “No. In high school, I wanted to be a marine biologist where I could live for months on end on a ship or in an underwater city by myself studying and writing. The training to be an astronaut took too long. I considered forest ranger which is basically the same but only on dry land …”

Interviewer: (Trying to get back control.) “Underwater cities?”

Writer: “… But working as a ranger seemed like too much walking and those ginsengers shoot back so I wanted to be the witch in the cabin where deer would come up on the front porch and eat muffin crumbs out of my hand while I had my morning coffee but I couldn’t figure out how to make money to pay for the muffins or the coffee as no one buys potions anymore or the potions they do buy come from the beauty or herb counters at the dollar discounters. I mean do you really feel comfortable buying your herbs at a dollar store?”

Interviewer: “Speaking of witchcraft, I understand you …”

Writer: “But by my senior year, all these stories and characters were clouding up my brain demanding my attention so I knew I needed a job where I could sit around and write and get paid for it. At first, I tried housewife but I couldn’t get along with the boss, the hours were horrible and the pay sucked. Then I found the perfect solution as a security guard. No one expects anything from the security guard. We’re basically invisible so I could work long hours, usually through the night and get my writing done.”

Interviewer: “Talking about your writing, in most of your books … well … in all of your books, there’s a strong sexual component.”

Writer: “Yes.”

(Silence except for the sound of crickets chirping and a rumble from the interviewer’s stomach.)

Interviewer: “Perhaps you could explain to our readers why you include explicit sexual descriptions in just about every chapter of your novels.”

Writer: (Wait … it’s not every chapter … I pretty sure it’s not.) “What would you like to eat?”

Interviewer: “I … er … what?”

Writer: “Your stomach says you’re hungry. Close your eyes and picture yourself dressed in beautiful clothes sitting in an elegant restaurant. Now order any meal from anywhere on the earth. What would you order?”

Interviewer: “Salad.”

Writer: “So even in your wildest dreams you’re on a diet? That’s just sad. Okay. Picture yourself naked laying in the most erotic location you can think of. Where would you be?”

Interviewer: (Not answering the question.) “What does this have to do with sex in your books?”

Writer: “Fantasizing. Fantasies. The sex in my books are fantasies. People read my books to escape. We all need air, water, food, shelter and emotional support to survive. Your salad is the basic but a deep dish pizza loaded with meat and cheese is more satisfying. My readers are sitting at work goofing off on the Internet or at home where the chores want to be done or in waiting rooms full of screaming kids. My books take them out of there and place them naked on a horse riding along a crystal blue sea with the lover of their choice. They don’t have to worry about the sand chafing and they don’t even have to come up with the sexual positions. I do that for them.”

Interviewer: “And why do they need you to do that for them?”

Writer: “Well, I guess they don’t really need me (starting to feel underappreciated) but I think most of the human race has forgotten how to dream, how to fantasize. I can understand it. We’re bombarded with images all day long. (Of course, someone had to write the premises behind those images before they can become images.) We don’t have to fantasize anymore because movies, television, games and the Internet do it for us or did before reality television started killing even those outlets. I can’t imagine anyone fantasizing about a reality show. We’re so overwhelmed by media; we have to take classes to learn to meditate just to clear our minds. You couldn’t even come up with a decent fake meal or an erotic location to get naked in.”

Interviewer: “And how does that …?”

Writer: “Except for childish games with toys and excluding artistic people and mental patients, everyone’s first experience with imagination are sexual fantasies. I just add mine to my stories.”

Interviewer: “So all the sex scenes in your books are things you have or want to …”

Writer: (Interrupting.) “And now I’m really hungry. Let’s go get a pizza. You’re too skinny anyway.”