Book Bonuses

By ThomasNovels

Good Friday evening and congratulations. You’ve gotten the hard part done and finished writing the book. You’ve found a willing publisher, read, signed and mailed (real paper mail) back the (notary of public embossed) contract. (Skipping the lawyer was not a good idea even though he wanted a hundred dollars a page to read it.) While you’re in the bedroom drinking grocery store champagne (leftover from your ten year anniversary gift basket with your employer where you won’t be working much longer), deciding you need a whole new hairstyle (and maybe a new color too), that none of your wardrobe deserves to dress a published author and you wouldn’t be caught dead carrying that luggage into the expensive hotel your publisher has selected for your first book tour stop … your email bings (dings, chirps, whistles or hollers) from the dining room table (where you really should consider knocking out that window and building an office onto the apartment, landlord be damned). Oh look. It’s an email from your publisher with an attachment. It’s probably an invitation (all expenses paid) to a monthly meeting where all their other authors to get together and discuss literary ideas while sipping chai tea and smoking long thin brown cigarettes.

You innocently open it to find … a questionnaire. Fair enough. You checked them out before sending your inestimable tome to them. You try to type your answer to the first question but the email is not set up that way. Now you have to copy and paste into a document to be able to answer the questions. No problem. But you sit there staring at the little hour glass twirling and start to worry. It finally loads and you scroll down to the bottom to find … fifty questions. It’s okay. Don’t panic. I am a professional and have some experience at this. I will help you through the hard ones.

Real name, address, P O Box, phone, emails, Facebook, Twitter?
“Check.”
Pen name, non de plume, pseudonym or alias (not what’s on your arrest record)?
“Hell, no. I want this published under my real name.”
Ah … you do realize your parents, every third cousin removed and that guy who lives downstairs will be reading this.
“Oh. Skip that and we’ll come back to it while I think up a really cool one.”
Trust me. All the really cool ones are taken. Maybe you shouldn’t be drinking while we’re doing this.
Social security number?
“For what?”
Uncle Sam gets to take his part out of your royalty check or you can wait until April and pay him one big lump sum.
How do you want to get paid?
“Well duh, in money.”
Yes, I know that but remember they are going to deduct your first two to five ‘free’ copies of your book from your first check. What they’re asking is do you want to use PayPal, direct deposit or check in the mail.
“Oh. Direct deposit.”

*
“umm …”
“umm …? Not worthy of a published author. What?”
“When the checks come pouring in, can we afford a new laptop?”
“No.”
“No, I can’t have a new laptop?”
“No, the checks are not going to come pouring in. Publishers pay once, twice or three times a year depending on the contract and you never know what the amount of the check will be because it is based on the number of books sold which they only tell you once, twice or three times a year depending on their accounting system.”
“Oh …”
*

Please provide your bank account number, routing number, type of account, location of bank and secret handshake.
“Is this going to get any easier?”
No.
What genre does your manuscript fall under?
If you keep drinking, you’ll be the one falling … under the table.
“It’s an erotic mystery where the female spy has secret paranormal powers.”
That’s four. You have to pick just one.
“Just one?”
Yes and choose wisely because this will determine where it lands on their website, in their catalogue and in what section of the books stores.
“Go on to the next and I’ll think about it.”
Maybe you should start a list of questions you’re skipping.
What do you see when you imagine the cover of your book or would you like for us to design one for you?
“Big breasted babe in a bikini on a bike blasting her way behind …”
You are drunk.
“Am not.”
Count the ‘B’s’ in the last sentence. You want them to design one for you.
Please write the dedication page for your book.
“To my mom.”
What about your father?
“To my mom and dad.”
What about your English teacher?
“No. What about my boyfriend?”
No. Hint: Never dedicate your book to a lover. Note: Please refer to the chapter entitled ‘Real Relationships’ located in this book.
“Okay. To my parents and my cat, Fuzzy. No, wait. To my cat, Fizzy and my parents. My cat stuck by me while I was writing the book.”
We’ll come back to this one.
“Why?”
You can’t even remember the name of your own cat.

*
“Excuse me?”
Yes?
“Why do they keep saying ‘your book’ instead of ‘the book’ or ‘our book’?”
Because you are the one doing all the work.
“No shit. Next question.”

*

Please write the acknowledgments page for your book.
“That’s a statement, not a question. ‘To my boss who didn’t know that all that late night overtime was really so I could write my exciting epic erotic escapade …’ ”
No.
“Yeah, I didn’t think so and we’re out of champagne.”
Please write the blurb for the back cover of your book. Remember, this is what will catch peoples’ attention and make them want to read (and buy) your book.
“Easy. ‘An exciting epic erotic escapade featuring a big breasted babe in a bikini on a bike blasting her way behind palisades using her paranormal powers’.”
Please provide a brief biography to be printed under your photo on the inside of the back cover.
“Photo?”
Yes, but don’t worry with that now. Just write the bio.
“The author is a New York Times Bestseller List writer who travels the globe (with a new laptop) searching for new and exciting ways to experience sex so her characters and readers can live vicariously through her words.”
Now write the real one.
“The author works a full time day job then comes home to a small, dusty apartment to write her sexual fantasies into stories all night long which is why she has no social or love life.”
Please attach two color JPEG photographs of the author. Note: Depending on cost, the chosen one may be printed in black and white.
“My publisher can’t afford color? You told me not to worry about this.”
That was then, this is now.
“It was a paragraph ago and while we have a moment, I just want to tell you how much I hate these bold lines.”
You’re just avoiding looking for a photo.
“I don’t have any decent photos.”
As well I know. The ones on your Facebook page should have been … no, you cannot use your mug shot. At some other time, you need to explain to me why you keep that as your desktop background. Your driver’s license is awful and we all know what happened when you tried to take your own picture in the bathroom mirror for the dating website because … where are you going?
“I am taking the chosen one to bed.”
Alone … again.

*

Good Saturday morning and congratulations. You have finally completed the questionnaire and feel like you’ve been through an FBI background check with a hangover.
“I do have a hangover.”
But that’s all right.
“The hangover?”
You are a pre-published writer (who’s wondering if there’s at least an old half bottle of Merlot hidden in the back of the refrigerator) who’s going through all the necessary steps to get your book out there and selling.
“Did you like the pen name? Paige Turner. Get it? Page turner.”
(You should Google her.) Now it’s time to kick back and read that stack of novels you’ve been putting off until your own opus was completed. It’s time to let Netflix know you really didn’t die. It’s time to … your email bings (dings, chirps, whistles or hollers) again. Oh look. It’s an email from your … editor.