Tom, Dick and Hairy

Speaking of body parts, what you call something matters and in erotic writing that can get very interesting. After my characters become acquainted (or not), they have sex. There is a sex scene happening in just about every chapter. Having published eight books (and still going), that’s a lot of sex, more than I … umm … never mind. That much sex will give you an excuse to go surfing the porn sites to see if anyone has come up with anything original since people starting having sex. Note: See the chapter ‘Procrastination Problems’ in this book. But even after seeing it or experiencing it (hopefully), you still have to describe it with words on the page (or computer screen), keep it exciting and try not to be repetitive.

First, decide on your location. Any ole place will do. (Here? Now?) Place your characters (as many as you want) into your scene. I won’t go into positions in this chapter. You’ll have to choose your own positions. Just make sure it’s something that personally turns you on. I can’t write foot fetishes because I just don’t get it but I’m really great at … oh, wait, I wasn’t going to cover positions yet. Just remember in fiction your characters can do things real authors of a certain age should not try to replicate. Aches and pains, heating pads and muscle rub are not sexy unless you’re in a nursing home which … wow … new location I’ve never thought of.

Now you have place, people, nudity and motion but you have to describe body parts. Sexual organs should be over-sized as in large penis and huge breasts (but not on the same character unless that’s something you’ve experienced and are qualified to write about). No reader wants to go through pages of build up to find something small when the zipper finally falls.

I prefer calling a dick a penis but that gets repetitive so you have to resort to manhood, organ (that you can play with), member (of the club), cock (crowing), joystick (oh yeah), knob (too confusing with hers), package (special delivery) or skin flute (musical tones). You’ll have to go searching on the Internet. There are lists of names for the penis but several of them are derogatory like prick and dork which don’t belong in a friendly sexual encounter. And no matter how hard I try, I cannot come up with a good noun for bag … sack … pouch … that contain the balls … the twins … marbles. Just so you know, the Internet list for testicle synonyms is longer than the one for penis synonyms. Who knew? My favorite is ‘boys in the basement’. Male nipples for some strange reason are hardly ever mentioned in erotica when I have it on good authority they’re just as sensitive as ours.

Female parts are harder to name. The lists are much shorter. I don’t understand why because the male and female model came out the same year. Maybe it’s because men have been talking about theirs longer than we have. ‘Boy in the boat’ and ‘hooded monk’ are just too male. I like knob, happy button (damn straight), jewel (which I deserve more of), clit (just an abbreviation but a faster type), pearl (that should be mounted in the jewel) or my all time favorite ‘sugar plum’. Breast are bosoms, busts and assets (no shit). I don’t like jugs, boobs, knockers and (this is really on the list) chesticles (who the hell came up with that one?). Tits will do in a squeeze.

Now that you have all the parts in play, next week I’ll talk about what actions you can take with them to evoke sounds.